My Next Career Move

It's about time for me to make a strategic career move...to the wonderful world of professional eating. Think about it: you can win loads of money just by stuffing your face with ding dongs, ho-hos and goodness knows what else. With a little practice and determination I can roll with the big dawgs and start winning as much as $10,000 per event.

My idol is Sonya Thomas aka "The Black Widow". Look at her! She looks like she weighs no more than 100 lbs but she can pack it away like food was going out of style. Here are just some examples of her incredible talent:

• Acme Oysters: 46 dozen (552) in 10 minutes.
• Hard-Boiled Eggs: 65 in 6' 40 seconds.
• Downtown Atlantic Cheesecake: 11 pounds in 9 minutes.
• Buffalo Wings: 162 (5.09 pounds) in 12 minutes.
• 84 Lumber Baked Beans: 8.4 pounds in 2' 47 seconds.
• Zocalo's Tacos (Soft-shell Chickem): 48 in 11 minutes.
• Cheese Quaesadillas: 31 1/2 (four-inch size) in 5 minutes.
• Soft-shell Maine Lobster: 38 (9.76 pounds) in 12 minutes.
• Lulu's Crawfish Jambalaya: 9 pounds in 10 minutes.
• Chicken Nuggets: 80 in 5 minutes.

If Sonya can do it, so can I. Just a few competitions and I will be out of the red and on my way to owning my first chateau!